i don’t know which is worse - not watching Sherlock at all or having to wait for season 3.

i braved a subject today i probably wouldn’t have if not for a nudging in my spirit.

it was all laughs and smiles, sitting at the patio, grandma, aunts and uncles, cousins, recollecting past memories. good memories.

but i knew all that. all the good. we were living it right now.

but what i wanted to know was one not very good memory.

it probably wasn’t timely by the books of conversation rules. but i asked it any way.

“Tell us about Oldest Uncle…since we have never seen him before…”

Few nods and perhaps concealed stunned faces at my question. it wasn’t awkward. i must say they did a good job concealing it if they were.

you see, we have never met 1st uncle before because he died in a plane crash in the year of 1977. he was only 29.

4th uncle quipped quite immediately, as always ready in every situation to give a timely comment, “He was someone who was very determined” he said. He told us how 1st uncle was a brilliant student. He was an outstanding in both the English and Malay Language. My dad told us about how he used to copy his essays! But unfortunately one mishap of an important exam caused a straight As student to end up with Cs because of an out of topic composition. But he never stopped trying. He went for night classes and slogged it through till he made it to the University. that was his goal that he was bent on achieving and he did.

but that still wasn’t what i wanted to know. “So how did it happen?” i asked. “He wasn’t even suppose to be on that flight.” said 2nd Uncle. he wasn’t even a confirmed passenger on that flight and his name was not even on the flight list.

He had got on the plane from Penang, bound for KL when it happened. the plane got hijacked because there was a minister on the plane. gun shots were fired and the plane instead of landing in KL, touched down in KL but was forced to take off again. it finally made its descent into a pile of ashes and remnants in Johor.

Youngest aunt was the one who took the call. 2nd uncle was the one who went down to witness the crash site. 4th uncle was all the way in UK studying when it happened. they kept it from him. for how long i don’t know. but he found out while reading a letter from a friend sending his condolences about his brother. at that point of reading the letter, he didn’t even know which one.

i watched as the 3 brothers recollected the story. My heart was brimming with their emotions of sorrow, regret, disappointment and helplessness. I was fighting back the ball in my throat that i was afraid would come out in tears.

I watched 4th uncle. His eyes were glistening and slightly red. i wasn’t sure if it was from the wine or… And then i saw him discreetly wipe his eyes with his right sleeve…

i didn’t regret asking that question. in fact those were precious moments, a glimpse of the inner corridors of their hearts.

we went on talking about other things. happier things. stories about the people we never knew, but whose lives are the reason for our today.

i’ve always been thankful for this close knit family. my uncles and aunt are always giving towards each other. it makes me not take for granted what we have today. the unity we have was fought for. the love that we share is a love that has gone through fire, pain and has come out purified. the cherishing and respecting of one another we see in the siblings and grandma goes beyond just filial piety. it is the bond of loss and shared grief, but more than that, the bond of commitment to overcoming and to one another.

i challenge you to look beyond the surface this CNY, take a walk down the corridors of their hearts and you will find so much more to be thankful for.

CNY Reflections

You get this feeling at the end of the year…where you are forced to look back at the last 12 months and ask yourself if you have made any progress or grown.

If we had a good year we will undoubtedly make that assessment and even pat ourselves on the back a few times and let those best moments of the year replay in your mind and slowly relish it. mmm…it has been a good year.

but what if your year hasn’t been a good one. what if thinking back on it only makes you sad. what if all you can see of the past year is disappointment and failure. i wouldn’t want to think about those moments or live through them in my mind again. i would wallow in resignation and cross my fingers that the new year will be better somehow. maybe. who knows. it doesn’t matter.

but what really is progress? what really is growth?

i used to gauge my assessment on knowledge and ministerial experience. do i know more about God than i did before? or have i ministered in new areas or ways i have never done before?

but what is God’s measure of true growth? 

2 Corinthians 4:7-15

⁷ But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. ⁸ We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— ¹⁰ always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. ¹¹ For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. ¹² So then death is working in us, but life in you. 

What if growth on His terms means death? What if growing means dying…

For me, this year littered with much more bad memories than good ones. and reluctantly thinking back on the year, the Holy Ghost asked me in a soft and gentle voice…”How much have you died this year?” And i realized then, that my measurement of growth was wrong. the tears rolled down as i recalled every painful moment and felt it all over again, realizing for the first time the dying that was taking place…

How much have you died this year?

All those circumstances, disappointment and failure, the real question is…have they worked death in you?

Have your unanswered prayers made you die to your idea and concept of faithfulness?

What if the measurement of true relationship was forgiveness and not harmony. Have we died to that idea?

Have our sitting on the sidelines while others take center stage make us die to ambition and fame?

Has death work its way in us?

And then revelation hit me. The problem was i was still dead…but i shouldn’t be. Death is suppose to work life in us. That is its purpose.

Here’s the bottom line. Death is necessary only for one reason - Resurrection.

We die so that He can be resurrected in us. We die to our dreams so we can live His dream for us.

Look back at your past year of disappointment and failures and tell yourself, feel the pain and let death work its way in you…but don’t stay there…be resurrected in His life and power!

this is what the Holy Ghost will say to you: it is time for a resurrection.